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Attractive man with his shit together. looking for cool female, i want mature in Tentulikhunti Naughty lady wants hot sex Santa Ana why is sex with hippies so awesome? w4m i remember that line... i remember all the jokes we used to share.

i saw you, wanted to say "hi." you walked by and the word caught in my throat. me...the perpetual mouthpiece, choked. i wanted to make art, and make peace...thought i was ready. thought maybe i could but then i felt cold... and just wanted to do what I came to do and go home. i wasn't supposed to be there anyway. my feelings still confuse me at times, it ebbs and flows...the hurt, the joy, the undead desire. jealousy of those who will have you. who drew your eyes from me. maybe i am old fashioned but i still feel that if you really love someone, no one else compares and the desire to stray goes away. i loved you and one other like that in my time. and i knew it was love because of that (among other things). but i didn't feel same from you, from the start. you were the best to me ever in many ways. and i am so grateful for that. but there are things... when you love someone ... that no matter what, you don't do or say to them. because their presence in your life is sacred and worth the self-control. better to take the anger and turn it elsewhere, deflect it. unconditional love means unconditional patience and respect, which create trust... and feelings of security. enough to be able to let go a little.

so, we couldn't give one another what the other needed. there were reasons i could not trust you. reasons i had trouble respecting you sometimes, though i always understood where you were coming from. but... just because i understand something, does not mean i have to agree with it, go with it, or like it. and it was obvious that once the infatuation period was over, we both had trouble showing each other those essential components. i did not feel the patience or respect i needed, either.

it will hurt for a long time but i know it's better this way. it pains me to hear that you are out drinking so much....i pray for you and worry...but i try to just pray for you and envision you happy and safe. you have so much to share, i hope that you will take care of yourself. i don't know why alcohol always seemed to have to be a part of the equation for you to have fun and be "in your element". it's like you wanted and missed all of that more than you valued me. it always shows when we are apart, what you really want in life. my wants never changed. i never wanted you to change... just to feel secure that you wouldn't go. you wanted this freedom... to run around in the woods and make cute girls laugh. to have the option to sleep with them if there is an animal attraction. you have it. i hope it makes you happy. and i hope that when you are ready again to commit... when you are truly done with the single life bullshit like you told me you were when we got together, that someone awesome is there for you. you have too big of a heart to not want to share it with someone. and you don't believe me now but when the pain of our separation fades... and i am just a memory, someone you used to know... maybe even someone you will grow to hate... since sometimes hate eases the pain... you will want a partner again.

i pray that someone awesome will be there when you are ready. it won't be me. it can't be me. the boundaries that were crossed when we were together are dangerous lines. too dangerous for me to ever approach again. if you need closure, this is it. i don't have a new boyfriend but i can and do find others attractive again and sometime, i'll give the relationship thing a go again. it's only fair for me to say that, even if you never read this. not like you haven't already moved on like that... you were finding other girls fuckable even while we were together and you will never understand how much that hurt... but it did. on top of all the other shit you hurled at me, that was salt in the wound. a huge honking chunk of it.

but all the same... like it or leave it, i understood. enough that i finally tried telling you over and over that it was time to be done. so... we are done. and i miss you, but this zombie needs to burn and be gone. the love, the pain, all needs to be released into the atmosphere and dissipate. to become smoke. i wanted to burn with you, one last time, make peace... maybe someday. maybe never.

stranger, passing in the night, your choice to stay a stranger, it's all right. got no time to share this light...I understand. stay safe, good night.
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